We all know that a lot of women are victims of domestic violence and abusive relationships. The problem gets a lot of press and rightly so. It's never okay for one person to abuse another. However, there's another side to the domestic violence/abuse equation that rarely gets talked about; that is, the men who are abused by their wives or girlfriends. One of the major reasons this issue rarely gets discussed has a lot to do with a man's sense of pride. It's embarrassing to admit to being the victim of violence perpetrated by a woman, so a lot of men will deny that they have been mistreated or they will assume that they can handle the abuse.
I think the media also plays a part in promoting the mindset that women are always the victims when it comes to domestic violence. How many times have women been shown in movies or on television programs throwing things or slapping their significant others? Usually, these scenes are presented as comedy, or at the very least, as something cute. Viewers come away with the idea that women are incapable of hurting men and when they do deign to be physical, men should simply humor them. If a woman on screen slaps her husband or threatens him with a rolling pin or cast iron skillet, she's almost never depicted as an abuser. Instead, she's seen as a spitfire or a firebrand. Put that same rolling pin or skillet in a man's hands, and he's seen as a brute.
I decided to put up this page because I think this is an issue that deserves to be recognized and talked about. I am the wife of a man who was a victim of abuse in his first marriage. While he and I have a good relationship today, there are many times that those old issues come up again, even though my husband and his ex have been apart for years. In my day to day life, I've also run across a lot of people with attitudes that men can't be the victims of abuse. My little page on the Web may not do much to change that prevailing attitude, but at least I can put it out there to men who have been abused that they are not alone. Domestic violence against men can and does happen. It happened to the man I love most in the world and that's what makes me want to do something about it.
When people think of an abusive relationship, the first thing that might come to mind is physical abuse. That is, one person hurts another person by hitting, kicking, burning, cutting, punching, or otherwise physically injuring them in some way. Certainly, physical abuse can be part of any abusive relationship, including one in which the woman is the aggressor.
Many people think that women are, by default, the "weaker gender". It's true that sometimes women are weaker and smaller than their male counterparts. However, that is certainly not always the case. My husband's ex wife, for instance, weighed significantly more than he did and had a violent temper. Even though he was the man in the relationship, she had an advantage.
Even if a man is physically bigger and stronger than his wife or girlfriend, she may still have access to weapons. A man might outweigh his wife by 100 pounds, but if she's armed, the extra size won't make much difference. Just the fact that a man may be bigger and stronger than his wife or girlfriend doesn't mean that he's automatically abusive or violent, either. A person's body size and gender generally has nothing to do with their propensity toward violence, a desire for control, and rage.
Beyond physical abuse, there are other abuses that aren't as obvious. Some abusive women are big believers in emotional abuse. They belittle or criticize their partners in front of other people, or they threaten to humiliate them. My husband's ex wife used to threaten to turn his entire family against him, including his kids. She did eventually make good on her threat by telling his parents that he was a violent, abusive person. In the long run, that tactic didn't work against his parents, but sadly, it did work against his daughters. They no longer speak to him.
Some abusers use finances as a means of maintaining control. When my husband was married to his ex wife, he was financially crippled. He made most of the money in their relationship, but he turned it over to his ex wife because she insisted on managing it. Rather than fight with her, he allowed her to control their finances. She proceeded to go on wild spending sprees, quickly running up expenses beyond their means. When he tried to put his foot down, she told him she had grown up poor and refused to allow that for their children. Consequently, they ended up going through a bankruptcy and later, a foreclosure on their house. It took a long time for my husband to recover from that time in his life, but for the most part, he has. However, every once in awhile, something from the past will come back to bite him. Because of the financial hell my husband went through with his ex wife, there are certain creditors who won't do business with him anymore. Take a look at his credit report, though, and you'll see that since his divorce, he hasn't been in any financial trouble.
I think the thing that is most upsetting to me about the fact that my husband was abused is the way he sometimes reacts to me. There are times when I'll say or do something that reminds him of his time with his ex wife. I can see it in his eyes or in the expression on his face. I have to remind him that I'm not her and he can talk to me about things that bother him. I won't criticize or belittle him for the way he feels. If something I say or do causes him pain, I will try my best to respect his feelings. I don't want him to change who he is for my sake. I love him for the man he already is.
This is a list of signs and symptoms of an abusive relationship. This list can more or less be found in a variety of different places on the Web. I decided to put them up here, however, because I wanted them to be gender neutral. The fact is, you don't have to be a woman to be a victim of abuse. I wanted my list to reflect that fact.
1. Humiliation- Abusers usually don't feel good about themselves, so they use humilation as a tool. They do everything in their power to make their victims feel like damaged goods. This tactic often has at least three effects. First, it makes the abuser feel better about themselves. Second, it makes the victim feel like no one else would ever want them. And third, it makes the victim less likely to leave the abusive relationship because he or she starts to believe that no one else could ever find them attractive or worthwhile company. This tactic is especially effective against men. Many men would rather be punched in the face than publicly humiliated, especially in front of their peers or family members.
2. Dominance- Abusive people need to feel like they're in control. They unilaterally make decisions affecting the whole family without consulting anyone else. They expect obedience and tend to treat their spouse, significant other, or children like servants or possessions. My husband's ex wife one day decided that the entire family would be joining the LDS church. She did not discuss this decision with my husband. She just expected him to go along with it without question. Later, she used the church as a means of keeping him in line.
3. Isolation- Abusers don't want their victims to have access to other people because other people threaten the abuser's tenuous position. Therefore, abusers will often somehow get their victims to disconnect from society by keeping them from going to work or school or forcing them to account for their time away from the abuser. My husband's ex wife, for example, used to demand that he come straight home from work and would discourage him from having friends. Or, when she worked, she would stay away from home for excessive and unpredictable time periods so that my husband would be forced to take care of the kids. The isolation also allows the abuser to control their victim's access to money or other resources that might help them break away from the relationship.
4. Threats and Intimidation- Abusers use threats and intimidation to get their victims to comply with their demands. An abusive person may threaten violence against the victim, the children, pets, or even themselves. He or she might use intimidation tactics like destroying property, dirty looks, or displaying weapons. The threats and intimidation can be very subtle or obvious. My husband's ex wife often employed blackmail methods to get what she wanted. She told my husband that if he ever talked about her to his family, she would turn them all against him and he'd end up alone. Sadly, my husband's self esteem was so damaged at that point that he believed that she actually had the power to get his own parents to turn their backs on him.
5. Denial and Blame- Abusers will often try to rewrite history. Their version of events is often very different from their victim's version of the same events. They will deny that certain things happened, or they will accuse their victims of being crazy or having a faulty memory. They will also try to defend their abusive behavior by blaming it on something or someone else. They may minimize their actions by claiming they had a bad day or were drunk or under the influence of drugs. They may claim they didn't know any better because they were themselves the victim of an abuser. And often, they will blame their victim for their bad behavior, claiming the victim somehow provoked them. My husband's ex wife often used to remind him that she had grown up in an abusive household; that was why she needed and deserved his understanding and forgiveness time after time.
1. Are you afraid of your partner?
2. Do you avoid bringing up certain subjects because you're afraid of how your partner might react?
3. Does your partner threaten or intimidate you?
4. Does your partner belittle or humiliate you, especially in front of other people?
5. Does your partner isolate you from friends or family?
6. Are you in financial trouble because of your partner?
7. Does your partner abuse drugs or alcohol?
8. Does your partner blame you for their own bad behavior?
9. Do you feel like you deserve to be mistreated?
10. Do you wonder if you're crazy?
11. Does your partner ever destroy your belongings?
12. Does your partner threaten to cut off your access to your children?
13. Does your partner call you names or insult you?
14. Does your partner downplay your accomplishments?
15. Does your partner limit your access to money, the car, the phone, or any other means of communication?
16. Do you ever consider suicide, homicide, or engage in dangerous behaviors?
First off, if you find yourself feeling suicidal or homicidal, your situation is an emergency and you should get help for yourself immediately. You can call a suicide hotline in your area or go to the nearest emergency room. Click here for a link to suicide hotlines in your area and the national suicide hotline, or simply call 911.
If you can answer "yes" to any of the other questions, you may be in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, there aren't as many resources for men in abusive relationship as there are for women. However, there are some steps you can take to help yourself.
If you're not in danger of hurting yourself or someone else, you can contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline for help. You may also wish to check out the following Web based resources.
Domestic Violence Against Men in Colorado
YouAreNotCrazy.com is a Web site geared toward women, but it does a great job of demonstrating what a verbally abusive relationship is. Check it out to see if you can relate.
