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Who Wants To Be A Teen Parent?
A Look at Teen-age Pregnancy from a Game Show Host’s Perspective…
Here’s your chance to win the ultimate prize, a one-way ticket to Adulthood! Yes, all it takes is one spin of the Reproductive Roulette Wheel! If you and your partner match at the right time, you will be welcomed aboard the Teen Parent Express! You, and perhaps your partner, will fly the stormy skies to the State of Poverty in the Republic of Adulthood!
As an immigrant to Adulthood, you qualify for the special status of automatic residence in the State of Poverty! Poverty has the distinction of being the state with the lowest standard of living, which correlates to the highest crime rate! Its ugly buildings, mediocre schools, lack of job opportunities, and dangerous, trash-filled, dead-end streets will ensure that your stay will be a long and miserable one. Perhaps many generations to come will have the privilege of living in Poverty, due to the State’s effective situation recycling plan. All you need to be on your way is a positive pregnancy test!
Here’s what else comes with this fine prize package once you arrive in Adulthood:
Your positive pregnancy test will give you the opportunity to make important choices about how your life and the life of your unborn child will proceed. Imagine the suspense you’ll enjoy as you decide whether to continue your pregnancy or end it. If you decide to go on for the Grand Prize, you can make another big decision, placing your child up for adoption or raising the child yourself. Whatever you decide, you’re sure to feel more like a native Adult from the experience.
Should you decide not to end your pregnancy, your positive pregnancy test will also be your ticket to a fabulous new wardrobe of maternity clothes! Of course, they won’t be the name brands you’re used to, but you can’t expect designer labels at a time like this. Your garments will require more fabric to cover your rapidly changing body. You’ll go through them quickly, anyway.
If you’re lucky, you’ll win doctor’s care! Month after month, you’ll be escorted to your very own OB/GYN’s office for checkups, which will include 15-minute appointments jam packed with personal attention, advice, prescriptions for vitamins and other medications, and this is the best part, physical and gynecological examinations! And think of all the reading you’ll have the chance to catch up on as you sit in the waiting room! It’s a dream come true for fans of retro magazines! With all of those trips to the doctor’s office, you’ll also have the chance to learn more about managed care, Medicaid, and WIC programs, as well as how to apply for welfare!
Along with having your very own doctor, you’ll get the chance to earn the true badges of womanhood at a younger age than your peers. You’ll experience eye opening conditions such as weight gain, stretch marks, enlarged breasts (which may be more likely to sag later), swollen ankles, aching feet and back, water retention, frequent urination, insomnia, hemorrhoids, varicose veins, and last but not least, morning sickness! Along with those conditions and possibly other ones, which may be even more dramatic, you’ll get to tour restrooms extensively, both in your home and in public!
How about a vacation from school ? As your baby’s due date looms closer, it will be harder for you to attend high school. You’ll get a much-needed break from the pesky details of the adolescent lifestyle: classes, your friends, sporting events, parties, dances, and dates. If you’re really lucky, you might even get to miss the prom! And if you’re among the most fortunate, you might never have to set foot in your school again! Instead, you will explore the challenging careers offered to non high school graduates! The possibilities are limited!
Your immediate family wins, too! Your siblings get the chance to be aunts or uncles at a young age (they’ll have more energy to play with your little one). Your parents will get to be grandparents for a longer time. They’ll get to experience the joys of explaining your pregnancy to their friends, colleagues, and the rest of the family!
But wait! That’s just the beginning of the years of enjoyment you’ll glean from your trip to the State of Poverty in the Republic of Adulthood!
On the day of the blessed event, provided you have not made the decision to give your baby up for adoption, you’ll get the Grand Prize, which will be yours to keep for at least eighteen years, whether you like it or not!
You’ll get to test your physical endurance as you experience hours of intense labor, not to mention the pain of the actual birth itself. If you’re fortunate, your baby will be healthy and full-term. However, if you are like many other girls who become mothers before their time, your baby will be underweight and premature, which will give you and your little one the chance to be the stars of your own real life medical drama.
You won’t want to miss the chance to work with hospital administrators and billing clerks as your medical bills accumulate. In the best of circumstances, you can expect to pay several thousand dollars for the birth alone of a healthy baby, more if you need a Caesarian Section or if your baby is premature.
You will have the pleasure of discovering the world of diapers, bottles, and middle of the night feedings, as well as more trips to the doctor for immunizations and check ups, and more medical bills. If you’re lucky enough to have a car and are old enough to drive, you’ll get to shop for a car seat and learn how to install it, quite a challenging task according to many seasoned parents.
Don’t miss the opportunity to see how long you can last without a good night’s sleep or a night out on the town! And don’t worry about being bored. Your baby will surely keep you busy enough to keep your mind off of all the fun you’re missing. Or, maybe not. In any case, you’ll feel even more like a native Adult as you spend your Friday and Saturday nights with the greatest date of all, your infant.
Have I mentioned that as a teen parent, you’ll get even more chances to visit parts of Adulthood? Your friends will not envy you if you can provide your baby with a sibling before you reach the age of nineteen. And, you will most assuredly confirm your place in the State of Poverty for the rest of your life.
Does all of this sound good to you? All you have to do to give the Reproductive Roulette Wheel a spin is have sexual intercourse. If your spin hits the jackpot, all of these prizes will be yours! To make hitting the jackpot more of a challenge, you can use contraception , which will help you stay in Adolescent Land a little bit longer. But remember, the stakes are high. If you don’t want to play the game, stay out of the casino. You’ll win your trip to the Republic of Adulthood soon enough, and you’ll likely be moving to a prettier state if you’re traveling without children.
Remember, It Pays To Plan!
original content 2006 © All rights reserved