September 7, 2002

Dear Diary,

Things are starting to change for me. I just turned thirteen and I’m getting ready to go to my first dance. Mom took me out shopping to see if we could find the right dress. I’m going with my best friend, Sam. We made a deal to go together because we’re both too shy to ask the people we really like. I love being twelve so far… It’s the best age ever.

I wrote that diary entry one sunny September day, before my world completely changed forever. My mom and dad and I were so happy back then. I was their one and only miracle baby, coming along when my mom was thirty-seven years old and my dad was forty-five. They didn’t think they’d ever be parents. I proved them wrong. They’d wanted more kids, but they were unable to conceive again. I never bothered to ask them why I was the only one. I just accepted that I was an only child and enjoyed all of the advantages that came with being an only child.

Back in 2001, we lived in a neat white house situated in a tree lined suburban neighborhood in Fairfax, Virginia. It was the kind of community that is often depicted in the movies, where everybody has neatly manicured lawns and freshly washed late model cars. It was the type of neighborhood that seems to be disappearing nowadays in lieu of subdivisions made up of kit houses. When I was twelve, every house on my street had character, yet they all seemed to compliment each other so well. Our neighbors were very friendly and I had a lot of friends back then. My friend, Michelle, lived two houses down from us. She had five brothers and sisters. I used to pretend that they were my siblings until it got too crowded or someone started a fight. Then I’d come home to our quiet little house and talk to my mom. She’d bake cookies and tell me stories about her childhood. My mom always had time for me back then. Most of my friends’ moms were divorced and had full time jobs, but my mom was still married to my dad and worked from home. I felt like the luckiest kid in the world.

I know it sounds like I’m describing utopia. Maybe my perception of that time in my life is skewed. Maybe I wasn’t really as happy as it seemed I was. But it sure seems like I was happier to be alive back when I was thirteen. And now, at almost seventeen, I’m still happy enough to be living, but things have changed a lot. And even though I wrote in my diary just before the anniversary of the September 11 tragedy, my life changed a lot for different reasons.

Remembering those carefree days of my early adolescence is sometimes really sad for me. But then I realize what I've gained in the past few years. I gained family I never knew I had, born out of another tragedy.

September 14, 2002

Dear Diary,

I heard my parents arguing. They were trying to be quiet, but I could still hear them behind the closed door of their bedroom. I hate it when they fight. It happens so rarely, but it always scares me whenever they disagree. I love them both so much. I’d never want to live without either of them. Too many of my friends’ parents are divorced. I don’t want to live like they do, moved from house to house and being argued over all the time.

I remember that Saturday morning so well. The phone rang and I answered it. The caller sounded really upset and nervous. He asked for my dad. I don’t remember giving the caller’s nervousness a second thought when I summoned my father, who was in the kitchen making coffee. He patted me on the head as he picked up the extension in the kitchen. I poured myself a glass of orange juice and was about to walk out when I saw the look on my dad’s face. He had turned ghostly white and I noticed that his hands were shaking. I wanted to stick around and find out what was happening, but he frowned at me and motioned toward the door with his hairy arm. I knew that was my cue to leave, so being an obedient sort, I took my orange juice and went outside where my mom was working in her garden.

I watched my mom for a few minutes as she plucked some weeds from the flower bed. She was working intently and didn’t speak to me as I hovered nearby. Her face was flushed and there was a light sheen of sweat on her forehead.

“Hi Alison,” she finally said, wiping her brow and sitting on her knees. “What’s up?”

“Nothing…” I muttered. “Daddy’s on the phone and he wanted some privacy. I decided to see what you were up to.”

My mom smiled and said, “I hope the phone call doesn’t have anything to do with that mess he’s been dealing with at work. It’s the weekend and he deserves some time off.” She bent back down over the flower bed. I hung around, not knowing what to say. I didn’t think the phone call had anything to do with his job. The caller had sounded like a young guy, not at all like anyone who had ever called my dad from work. And Daddy had looked so stricken by that call. I knew something was very wrong.

I hovered over my mom for a few more minutes, not knowing what to say. She got back to work on her weeding.

“Don’t you have something to do?” my mom asked after a few minutes of working in my shadow, her voice tinged very slightly with annoyance. “I’d like to get this work done before the afternoon. I need to go to the grocery store for dinner tonight.”

I sighed and started to walk away when the back door opened. Daddy was standing there, white as a sheet. He cleared his throat and looked fearfully at my mother.

Mom glanced up at him then did a double take. She could see how pale he was too. “Jim… my God, what’s wrong?” my mom asked.

“I need to speak with you alone, Elaine.” my dad said quietly. I could tell that he was very nervous and upset. I began to wonder if the country had been attacked again by terrorists, but I didn't dare ask.

My mom got up from her flower bed and went back into the house with my dad. They went into their bedroom and that’s when the argument started. I hovered nearby again, straining to hear their whispering voices.

Later September 14, 2002

Dear Diary,

I can’t believe it… I just can’t believe it. I just found out that I have a brother and a sister.

My parents stayed locked in their bedroom for about an hour. I heard hushed, harsh voices as they whispered loudly, obviously trying to keep me in the dark for as long as possible. After a few minutes of eavesdropping, I heard my dad start to cry. Then I heard my mom comforting him, still maintaining that hushed voice. I sat on the couch in the living room and waited. The door finally opened, and my parents stood before me.

My dad was still shaking and pale, his eyes swollen with recent tears. That scared me. My dad almost never cried, at least not in front of me. My mom was flushed and obviously upset. She was a little more composed than my dad was, so she spoke first.

“Alison, we have something important to tell you.” my mom said slowly in a somber voice that told me that she was about to make a serious announcement.

My dad’s shoulders were shaking. He looked afraid and bewildered, as if someone had hit him over the head with a baseball bat. I felt a chill pass through me. I wanted to know what was going on, but I was almost afraid of the words that were about to come out of Mom’s mouth.

“Daddy’s going to have to take a trip to Arizona.” my mom said slowly, calmly, as if being deliberate and calm would make the news less of a shock. She took a deep breath and added, “When he comes back, he won’t be alone.”

I’m sure I looked confused, so my dad spoke next. What he said hit me like a rush of cold water.

“Alison, before I married your mom, I was married to another woman. We had two children, a boy and a girl. The boy is now nineteen years old and living on his own in California. The girl is almost sixteen years old. Up until now, she lived in Arizona with her mom and her stepfather.” my dad said. His face was etched with pain, but he gave me a moment to absorb his words.

My mom put her hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

”Alison, the person who called this morning was your half-brother, Ben. He was calling to tell me that my ex wife was murdered by her husband. I have to go to Arizona to pick up my daughter, Katie. She’s still a minor, so she has to come live with us.” my dad paused again, waiting for me to say something.

“Isn’t that nice, Alison?” my mom chirped nervously. “You have a brother and a sister after all. You're not an only child anymore.”

I gave my mother a pained look that must have told her that she'd just said the wrong thing. She quickly shut up. I waited for my dad to continue. When he didn’t speak, I asked, “Why didn’t you tell me about them before?”

My dad shook visibly. “I wanted to tell you about my kids, Alison. But there’s a lot involved. I wasn’t sure you’d understand it, so I didn’t talk about them. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. I was hoping that there would come a day when I could tell you about this… I never wanted to hurt you.”

I looked at my mom and asked, “Did you know about them, too?”

My mom nodded silently. Suddenly, she looked very angry as she glared at Dad. At the time, I wondered why she was so angry. I thought I was the only one who had the right to be upset. But I was young and naive. I hadn't considered my mom's burden in keeping Daddy's secret.

Hot tears suddenly sprang to my eyes. I sat down at the kitchen table and buried my face in my arms. It was a lot to absorb.

“I have to go make travel plans.” my dad announced. “I need to get to Arizona as soon as possible to pick up Katie.” It was typical for my father to drop a bomb and then act efficiently, as if nothing had ever happened. Sometimes I hated him for his efficiency.

“Her name is Katie…” I muttered. “I have a sister named Katie and a brother named Ben. And you never told me…”

”Alison,” my mom said in the gentle tone of voice she used whenever she wanted to placate me. “Katie’s going to be sleeping in the guest room. Would you like to help me fix it up for her?”

I looked up at my mom and replied, “Why would I help? I don’t know what Katie likes. I don’t even know Katie.”

My mom left me alone after that. I had obviously made a good point.

September 15, 2002

Dear Diary,

Daddy’s on the way home with my new sister. Only she’s not “new”… she’s old. Older than I am. I don’t know what I’ll say to her when she gets here. Mom has been really fussy, fixing up Katie’s room. She won’t tell me what happened with Katie’s mother. She tells me I should ask Daddy about it.

From the very beginning, I was intensely curious about my new family. I wondered why Katie’s mom had been murdered. I was just plain curious about Katie’s mom. After all, she knew my dad before my mom did. They were together long enough to have two children. I was curious about what happened to their marriage. Why wasn’t I Katie’s sister instead of just her half-sister. And why were things so bad that I didn’t even know Katie and Ben existed? My mind was riddled with questions that my mom wouldn’t answer. Waiting for Daddy to get home was torture, even though he was only gone for a couple of days.

I tried not to get in Mom’s way as she fixed up the guest room for Katie. She’d decorated it in pale lavender. I felt pangs of jealousy. I thought Katie’s room was a lot prettier than mine was. It really looked good by the time Mom was finished with it. I wondered if Mom felt guilty for being dad's wife after Katie's mom was, but I didn't have much time to consider the idea. My mom tried very hard to keep me engaged while we waited for my sister to come home.

“Look at that, Alison.” Mom said, obviously trying to sound upbeat. “Isn’t that nice? I’m hoping it’ll make Katie feel right at home…”

I looked away without saying anything. I didn’t want to tell Mom what I was thinking. I didn’t want her to know that it would be impossible for Katie to feel at home in our house. This wasn’t her home. As far as I knew, she’d never had a relationship with Daddy. She didn't even know me and I sure didn't know her. We were complete and total strangers.

“They’ll be home in just a few hours, Alison. Why don’t you help me fix a nice dinner for them? I bet they’ll be hungry.” Mom added. She headed for the kitchen. My mom was always keeping busy, but in the days after I found out about Katie, she seemed to be keeping busier, doing little things to stay active and engage her mind.

“I have a headache.” I groaned. “I want to go lie down.”

Mom sighed and rolled her eyes, but didn’t force me to help her with dinner. I guess she figured I’d be dealing with enough once my “sister” arrived. Actually, I was starting to feel curious… even a bit eager. I had a new sister and I couldn’t help but wonder about her. But then I felt scared. What if Katie didn't like me?

I went into my room and closed the door, then climbed up on my canopy bed. I closed my eyes and remembered the last time I felt really good. It had only been the week before that I was looking forward to my first dance. Now I would be looking forward to meeting a new family member.

I imagined what Katie would look like and wondered if we’d resemble each other at all. I have shoulder-length, dark, curly hair and dark blue eyes. I’m short and slender, kind of like my mom. I’ve got my dad’s eyes and his hair, but other than that, I look like my mother. I wondered if Katie and I would like doing similar things. I’m kind of quiet and like to spend my time reading. Katie was still such a mystery to me. My heart fluttered as I realized that in just a couple of hours, the mystery would turn into a reality.

September 16, 2002

Dear Diary,

She’s here. Katie came home last night. I didn’t get a chance to meet her because they got in late and I was asleep. I was hoping Daddy would wake me when they got home, but he didn’t.

Katie was still in bed when I got up. It was a school day, so I fixed myself some toast and orange juice, making as much noise as possible in hopes that Katie would wake up and I could meet her for the first time. The only person who fell for my ploy was my Mom, who looked cranky as she joined me in the kitchen.

“What’s with all the noise?” she asked. “You’re not usually this loud in the morning.”

“Sorry.” I shrugged.

Mom frowned at me and immediately started making coffee.

”What time did they get home last night?” I asked pointedly. “And why didn’t Daddy wake me?”

“It was after eleven o’clock. Daddy didn’t wake you because Katie was tired and upset and you have school tomorrow. You’ll meet her soon enough.” Mom assured me.

“Isn’t she coming to school?” I asked.

“She’ll go in a few days, when she’s had a chance to rest. We have to get her registered.” Mom said. “And I think your dad wants to have her see a doctor.”

I nodded, checking the time. I had a million more questions, but there was no time to ask them and even if I had, my mom would have shushed me.

I met Katie when I got home from school that day. She was sitting on the couch in the living room, watching a soap opera on TV. I put down my books and fought the urge to run over to her. I could hear my mom in the kitchen, bustling around... probably making dinner. She usually called out a greeting whenever I came home from school, but she didn't on that day. I cast another glance at Katie. I could see the back of her head. She didn't turn to look at me.

"Hi..." I said tentatively. "Are you Katie?"

She turned around and looked at me. Her dark blue eyes were red rimmed and swollen. Her hair hung in dull, reddish gold tendrils around her drawn looking face. I started to say something else, but she cut me off. "Yeah, I'm Katie." she said, her voice heavy with depression or grief, or may it was just fatigue. She almost looked angry to be who she was.

"Welcome. I'm Alison." I said, knowing that I sounded a lot more grown up than I felt. I wanted to tell her to get out of my house, but I knew I couldn't.

"Thanks." Katie said in a dull voice.

"Sorry about your mom." I said.

The look of pain on Katie's face was enough to hurt me. Her eyes filled with tears and she started to cry again.

"Oh, I'm... I'm sorry." I stammered. "I didn't mean to make you cry."

Katie buried her face in her hands.

"Alison!" my mom called from the kitchen. "I need to speak to you."

I was really glad for the graceful exit my mom provided from the awkward scene. I gratefully walked away from Katie and joined my mom in the kitchen.

"What is it, mom?" I asked, suddenly realizing that she was making what looked like a fancy dinner.

"Honey, I know you're curious about Katie, but I think it's best if we don't ask her too many questions right now. She's been through quite a shock. Why don't you go into your room and do your homework. I'll call you when dinner's ready." Mom said.

Chastened, I grabbed an apple from the refrigerator and went to my room, closing the door behind me. I heard the gentle patting of rain falling on the roof. It was perfect weather to study by and the rain was enough to distract me from the dull ache in my chest. Katie was still sitting on the couch, watching her soap opera. She barely noticed me as I passed her.

That night at dinner, we all sat in our usual places at the dinner table. Katie hung back nervously. "Where should I sit?" she asked my mom.

"Wherever you want." my mom chirped brightly, causing me to roll my eyes. Mom never could handle awkward situations.

Katie sat down across from me. Her eyes were still a bit swollen, but she looked a little less tired since our first encounter. She was still very tight-lipped and I was still brimming with insatiable curiosity.

"Your dad is on his way home." Mom said. "I thought now might be a good time for us three girls to have a talk."

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and noticed that Katie was also a bit nervous. I wondered what Mom would say.

"Um..." Mom began uncertainly, "Katie, let me start by telling you how sorry I am about your mom... and your stepfather."

Katie stared at my mother, her blue eyes hard and gleaming as diamonds. It was like she could cut my mom's heart out just by looking at her. I felt a chill cut through me just witnessing it.

Mom continued, "This must be a terrible time for you. I just want you to know that I'm here if you need someone to talk to. And again, I'm really sorry for your loss. I want you to be comfortable, so please, if you need anything--"

"What is this?" Katie hissed with a venom that took my mother by surprise. My mouth dropped open in shock. We never used that tone in our house.

"Wh... what do you mean?" Mom stammered.

"I mean, what is this? What are you trying to prove to me? What makes you think I want to be here?" Katie asked angrily.

"I... I never assumed..." Mom tried.

"Oh yes you did. My mom told me all about you." Katie hissed. "She told me that you were the one who stole Daddy away and kept him away all these years. And she told me that you were a bad influence on me and I should be glad you weren't around. Now my mom's not around. You're glad, aren't you?"

My mother was flabbergasted. I watched her mouth flutter as it opened and closed in rapid succession, searching for the right words to say.

"You destroyed our home." Katie seethed. "And I just want you to know, I'll never see you as my mother."

There was a moment of silence, then my mom composed herself. "Katie, I never aspired to take your mother's place. She can't be replaced. But I am truly sorry that she is no longer living. I wouldn't wish death on anyone and I certainly wouldn't wish to see you lose your mom."

I heard what my mom said. Now that I'm older, I wonder if she said it because she knew even before Katie's mom was murdered, if anything ever happened to the woman while Katie and Ben were still too young to live on their own, we'd be dealing with her ghost.

"I read your letter to my mom." Katie said, her voice dropping a notch. "I know you hated her."

"I didn't hate your mother, Katie." my mom shot back harshly. "But it is true that I didn't like her very much... because of the way she treated your father."

"Hah!" Katie scoffed. "Bullshit, as usual. It's all bullshit. I didn't ask to come here and as soon as I'm able, I'm going to get out of here." She turned to me and said, "And we're not sisters. I don't even know you... you never should have been born in the first place!"

Her words stung me. My mom saw how hurt I was and suddenly unleashed the lioness in her heart.

"Katie," she hissed, "I will not have you talking like that in my house. You will stop using that language and you will be civil to Alison. She has nothing to do with this."

"Fuck you, Elaine!" Katie screamed. "I don't have to answer to you! You are NOT my mother!"

September 17, 2002

Dear Diary,

Katie's spent the whole evening locked in her room. My mom asked her to go there after her outburst at the table. Then mom went into the living room, buried her face in her hands, and started to cry. I sat near her, wondering what to do. We both waited for Daddy to come home. When he did, he tried to get Katie to come out of her room for a family talk. But Katie wouldn't open the door. She yelled at Daddy and I could hear her throwing things in the pretty room my mom made up for her.

Katie's second night in our house was bad. All the curiosity I had about her evaporated as I heard her venomous words echo in my head over and over again.

"We're not sisters... we're not sisters... we're not sisters..." it chanted like a mantra, hurting my heart over and over again as I sat by and watched helplessly. My parents were beside themselves. Katie was uncontrollably angry and for the first time, I saw them behave as if they had no idea what to do.

The next morning, Katie opened the door and came out of her room. She wasn't dressed and looked unkempt as she went into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. I stole a peek at Katie's now wrecked room, the former guest room, marveling in silence at the girl's rage.

My mom tapped me on the shoulder and motioned me away from Katie's door. "I think we need to just give Katie a wide berth." my mom advised. "Your father's making some phone calls. We'll find some help for Katie, but for now, you should just leave her alone. She's been through a lot."

I was shocked by how kind my mom was being, even after everything Katie said to her. I felt nothing but fear and rage where Katie was concerned. I wanted her out of our house so that things could get back to normal. I just couldn't understand her rage. I didn't understand how she could harbor so much hatred toward someone she didn't even know. To me, she looked ungrateful. It would have suited me just fine if Katie just went back to where she came from. To me, she was just an alien in our home and our lives.

Katie came out of the bathroom and shot me an angry look. She looked better after her shower, with her hair brushed and her face made up. I wondered who she got all made up for, since she went straight back into her room and locked the door behind her.

I let a sigh escape and joined my mom in the kitchen. She was cutting up some vegetables that she'd harvested from the garden. There was a pot of boiling salt water on the stove. We were going to be having comfort food for dinner.

"Mom..." I started. "How long do we have to live with Katie?"

"I don't know." she said, hanging her head. I could see the strain in her eyes and knew that my mother was having a harder time with this than she had originally let on.

"I hope she leaves soon." I mumbled.

My mom whirled around and stared at me. "Look," she said. "Katie's got to live with us because she's got no one else now. Her mother is dead and her stepfather is in jail. I know this is hard for you, but for once you are going to have to think of someone besides yourself. It sucks for all of us, but we're a family and families stick together."

"I want to leave as much as you want me to go." a voice said quietly. "It wasn't my idea to come here."

It was Katie and she was on the verge of tears.

My mom sighed, gave me a grieved look, and went back to the boiling salt water. I pushed passed Katie and went outside for some air.

September 18, 2002

Dear Diary,

It's like someone died in our house. The day my dad's ex wife died and Katie came to live with us, everything changed and not for the better. I wish my father had told me about Katie. I know he was trying to spare me, but I just had no idea... And now she's here with us and I don't know how to behave. I do feel sad for her, I guess. I'd hate to lose my mother. I guess she loved her stepfather, too. But I don't know what to say to her. I just want things to get better for all of us, even Katie. If only I could fast forward through these bad times...

I sat outside by my mom's vegetable garden, looking at the last vestiges of the summer harvest. The beans my mother had planted had once been so healthy. Now that it was September, the leaves were turning yellow and dropping off the plants. The beans, which had been growing so robust and flavorful, now started to look shriveled and old. The beans looked like I felt. I hadn't had a good night's sleep since Katie's arrival. I couldn't stop thinking about the things she said and the realization that my father had had a life before my mother.

At least I had school. I could go to school every day and study hard. For awhile, it took my mind off of the weirdness of the situation. My friends noticed that I was quiet. I couldn't bring myself to tell them what was going on. It was just too bizarre to talk about it with anyone, let alone discuss it with my friends. And then, I heard her approach me.

"What'cha doing?" Katie asked, her voice non chalant.

I was instantly confused. This question, delivered in such an offhand way, was the nicest thing Katie had ever said to me. I looked up at her and I'm sure my eyes betrayed what I was thinking. She smirked and shrugged a little, as if to excuse herself. But rather than let her get away, I stammered, "Just... just looking at the garden, here."

"What for?" Katie asked. "Don't you have anything to do?"

I stared at her again, now totally confused. Why was she suddenly being friendly?

Katie sighed and sat down next to me. I saw in her eyes, eyes that looked just like mine, that she was about to start crying again.

"Alison," she said, "I'm sorry for being mean to you. I've been thinking about it and..." her voice trailed off for a second. "And... well, we're sisters. Even if my daddy screwed my mother over."

"He did not." I said. "Daddy said he paid support."

"But he abandoned me and Ben. He never visited. He never called. I was left to grow up with my fucked up mother and her loser husband. It sucked for me." Katie said. "All the while, I knew he was happier in his new life with you and your mom."

"You knew about me?" I asked, my eyes widening.

Katied nodded. "My mom made it a point of knowing everything that went on in your dad's life."

"Our dad's life." I corrected.

"I'm sorry, Alison. I don't see him as my dad. He wasn't there. My stepfather, Bernie, was. Bernie wasn't all bad..." Katie said quietly. "He was teaching me how to drive before he flipped out and killed my mom. But Bernie didn't work. He sat at home in his underwear all day. He kept the house dark and depressing. And he and my mom fought all the time."

I listened intently.

"I guess one day, Bernie couldn't stand it anymore. I think it had to do with the fact that mom was pregnant. She didn't make much money, you know. And your dad sent us money every month. But I'm going to be an adult soon and, well..." Katie's voice trailed off.

I couldn't bring myself to speak. At the time, I was so surprised by Katie's sudden change of heart toward me. It never occurred to me to think about what she was saying in such a rational tone of voice.

"He killed her right in front of me, you know." Katie said. "And I'm going to have to go to court and testify against him."

Before I could stop myself, I blurted, "How did he kill her?"

Katie's eyes grew stormy and her face contorted with pain. She took a deep breath and said, "He stabbed her with a kitchen knife. They were arguing about money and the baby. Bernie just lost it..." Katie's voice rose with emotion. She wiped at her eyes and said, "He grabbed a knife from the counter and just attacked her. I tried to stop him, but he was so strong and so angry. So I ran to the phone and called 911. The ambulance got there too late. My mom was dead by the time they got her on the stretcher. And Bernie was just sitting there with his head in his hands, moaning. He kept saying, 'What have I done? What have I done?'"

I was riveted by Katie's story.

"You know what, though?" Katie asked, her voice taking on an edge. "I almost think Bernie did me a favor. My mom was crazy. She really was. She went crazy when your dad left. And that's why I hate him now."