Before I get started with this essay, let me first make a statement. I am not now nor will I ever be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I've never set foot inside an LDS Church building and I've never seriously investigated the faith, although I did once allow missionaries to give me the first discussions. My direct experiences with the LDS Church have admittedly been limited. And yet, this church has affected my life in a way that I never considered it would.
As a kid in the early 1980s, I remember watching a lot of TV and seeing ads and PSAs for the LDS Church. The ones I remember most clearly were moral lessons more than advertisements. I remember one PSA was about the importance of never telling lies. A little girl stood up in what looked like a classroom in a public school and said, "My teacher told me never to tell a lie..." Then, a musical number ensued, with the whole class singing about how lying is wrong. Then, at the end of the PSA, there was an announcement that the message had brought to viewers courtesy of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints-- The Mormons! I especially remember that last chirpy little declaration-- "The Mormons!"
I also remember a PSA that the Mormons put out on the importance of friendship. There was a visual of two cute little kids sitting outside playing while a group of kids sang "One plus one is two... That's two together so nice come share my life with me, together we'll have fun!" It was a perky little message with a cute ditty, designed to inspire good feelings about the church. Those two PSAs were my very first exposure to the LDS Church.
Then, when I went to college, I met a couple of LDS Church members. They were very nice people, although I was surprised by how large their families were. One person was a relatively young mother of five and the other was the oldest child of eight. It was about this time that I found the book Secret Ceremonies
After college, off I went to the Republic of Armenia, where I spent two years serving as a Peace Corps Volunteer. And it was there, that I met a very nice Mormon couple. I told them that I had read Laake's book and they said it was full of lies. It didn't occur to me to ask them if they had read the book themselves. At the time, I was in my early 20s and this couple had me feeling kind of foolish for having read Secret Ceremonies. They basically made me feel like I should have known it wasn't true, just because it was overwhelmingly negative. As it turns out, though, the book was true... or at least it was Deborah Laake's truth.
After my time in the Peace Corps, I interviewed for a job at the college where my mother had earned an associate's degree. Only it was no longer the same college. My mom went to what used to be Southern Seminary Junior College in Buena Vista, Virginia. As a high school senior, I had even considered attending this school myself. They had an excellent horsemanship program and I was thinking about a career working with horses. In the end, I decided to pursue a more "practical" degree. But Southern Seminary always meant something to me. And since my mother grew up in Buena Vista, the town also means something to me. It's a beautiful, picturesque city in one of the loveliest parts of Virginia. In the early 1990s, Southern Seminary went bankrupt and was purchased by a group of members of the LDS Church. They renamed the school Southern Virginia University and turned it into a school that caters to members of the LDS church. Then they turned Sem's formerly impressive stable and indoor arena into a basketball court. My mother's hometown has now turned into an East Coast LDS mecca.
Incidentally, I did some digging and found out that one of the Mormons that I met in college, the mother of five, is married to the Vice President of Administration & Finance at SVU. At the time, when I interviewed for the job, I still knew very little about how the LDS church works. Needless to say, I didn't get the job, and that's most likely for the best. Knowing what I know now, I realize there's no way I would have fit in there. Even if they had hired me, I doubt I would have lasted long.
Two years after that interview, I met my husband online. At the time, he was still a devout member of the LDS Church. My husband converted to Mormonism when he was still married to his first wife. Since they came to the Church of their own volition, having not been brought in by missionaries, they were labeled a "golden family". My husband and his first wife were plunged headlong into the Mormon lifestyle, complete with its endless callings, good works, and high expectations. At one time, my husband was even being groomed to become a Bishop. My husband's first marriage was already in serious trouble at that point, but he and his ex wife were so busy that there was no time to address what had gone wrong. Even if they had addressed it, the marriage probably would have failed anyway. Being involved in the church gave my husband something else to focus on besides the shambles his marriage had become. It was a source of self-esteem and support. In the end, though, it turned out those positive feelings of self-esteem and support were highly conditional.
My husband and his first wife had already split up, but he was still holding on to the religion when I met him. He still wore his garments, eschewed coffee, tea, and alcohol, and went to church regularly. He told me that he knew the church was true because he had felt the spirit many times. His kids are being raised Mormon and he was determined to keep their relationship alive. In his mind, that meant staying involved with the Church. I didn't have a problem with this. My husband is one of the nicest, more sincere people I have ever known. I admired him for loving his kids so much. My mind didn't change until one day a few months before we got married.
I met my husband online in November of 1999, but we didn't meet in the flesh until May of 2001. We got married in November of 2002. All that time, he led me to believe that he still thought of the Church as a fine institution, even if, right before he proposed to me, he had stopped going to church and started drinking coffee and beer again. I never heard him say anything negative about Mormonism, although sometime in 2001, he evidently decided that he wasn't going to go back to it.
One July day in 2002, while my husband to be was at work, I was visited by a couple of LDS missionaries. They looked so hot and uncomfortable, dressed in white shirts, ties, and black pants. I felt sorry for them, because I knew that every day, they were subjected to rude treatment by other people who lived in our rather seedy apartment complex. Realizing that my soon to be husband's son would likely one day serve a mission, I allowed the missionaries to enter our home and gave them some water. I told them that my husband was a member. I allowed them to give me the first discussions, even though I had zero intention of joining the LDS Church. I was raised Presbyterian and am happy in my faith. I see no need to change it. At the time, I didn't realize that interfaith marriages are frowned upon by the LDS Church, so I was open about the fact that my soon to be husband and I were "living in sin". The two young men commented on the movies we had on display. I didn't know, at the time, that LDS missionaries get almost no contact with the media or entertainment. I didn't know that they didn't even get to call home, except on Christmas and Mother's Day. Had I known that, I might have felt even sorrier for these two young men who sat and prayed with me in our living room. Even when I was a Peace Corps Volunteer, I could still call my parents whenever I wanted to, as long as the phones were working.
When my soon to be husband came home that night, I told him that I was visited by missionaries and they had left me with a Bible and a Book of Mormon, complete with underlined passages. And he said, much to my surprise, "You didn't out me, did you?" There was a discernable edge of panic in his voice that alarmed me. I didn't know that he wanted me to keep his affiliation with the LDS Church a secret. He explained that he didn't want to be contacted by church officials about his inactivity and he told me that the way we were living, as an unmarried couple, would not be looked kindly upon by the Church. He also told me that it was likely that they would try really hard to get me to convert and bring him back into the fold. It was very clear to me, at that point, that the man I loved was not going to go back to Mormonism. Of course, the missionaries called and tried to visit again. They stopped when my fiance called them and told them I didn't want to join the LDS Church and wanted no more contact with them.
After my visit with the missionaries, I started to research the Church more and asked my husband a lot of questions. Some of what he told me surprised me. He let me know that if his kids decided to marry in the temple, we would not be allowed to attend because we aren't "temple worthy". He told me about how his ex wife tried to use the Church to control him and make him feel guilty, even up until the day that he told her we were going to get married. He told me sad stories about how he felt attending church by himself after he split from his wife. One time, my husband was attending church and he was asked to move to a row in the back so that a family could sit where he was sitting. My husband, newly separated, felt terrible. He missed his kids. But he kept the faith for awhile, because he worried about what his kids would think of him if he left. I have to admit, it was strange to me that my husband thought his kids were so into the church. When I was a kid, I was uninterested in anything having to do with my church. I didn't start to appreciate it until I was a lot older. But when I met the kids for the first time, it was pretty clear to me that the LDS Church really influenced their lives a great deal. I could understand why my husband was so concerned. The Church preaches about the importance of family, but that's only for people who believe in what the Church is teaching.
In the years that we've been married, my husband has shared more with me about his years as a Mormon. And when I re-read Secret Ceremonies, I read parts aloud to him, including some sections that had to do with temple ceremonies. I came to realize that Deborah Laake wasn't a liar when my husband started finishing some of the sentences I read. This book was written long before everyone had access to the internet. It's not the greatest or most exhaustive book about Mormonism in the world... just one woman's experience before she tragically died by her own hand. But contrary to what I'd heard about Deborah Laake, I can't call her a liar. I can call her someone who experienced a great deal of pain.
I started reading the ExMormon board and was amazed by some of the stories I read there. There were so many common threads. I didn't see it as a bunch of disgruntled people griping because they were offended. I saw it as a group of people, some who had left the Church, some who loved people in the Church, and some who were closet doubters, many of whom were really hurting and some of whom were far enough along in their healing process to be able to laugh about their experiences.
I've met many fine people who are Mormons. I admire some of the Church's more positive teachings and practices. But I can't ignore the evidence I've seen that makes the LDS Church look less rosy than the way it's always been depicted by the media. As my husband watches his kids grow older from afar, I can't help but think that the LDS Church's slogan "Families Forever" rings hollow. In their eyes, families are only forever if everybody believes the same thing. Anyone who steps outside that boundary is not part of the family... not on Earth, and certainly not in the afterlife. So now my husband's kids, if they decide to stay in the LDS Church and believe whole-heartedly in its teachings, may feel that they have effectively lost their perfectly good father. What a pity that is.
My review of Secret Ceremonies on Epinions.com.
My review of Out of Mormonism: A Woman's True Story on Epinions.com.
My review of Leaving The Saints: How I Lost The Mormons and Found My Faith on Epinions.com.
Links to other exMormon stories...
William Shunn's fascinating tale of trying to escape his mission.
Pam Kazmaier's sad story.
A great blog...