Some time ago, I wrote two articles about my husband's experience being the target of parental alienation syndrome (PAS). In those articles, I expressed how painful it's been for him to watch as the relationship he once had with his children has deteriorated over time. While I still don't know my stepchildren, it's equally painful for me to watch the process as well. Make no mistake about it. Parental alienation syndrome is a very real phenomenon and divorced custodial parents who encourage their children to detach from their non-custodial parents as a means of getting revenge are abusive and toxic. In any case, I have come to some conclusions about our situation that I hope may help other people who are in a similar situation as well as offer an update about us.

First off, my husband's "son"-- actually his ex wife's son with her first husband-- recently made the decision to change his surname back to what it was originally. He reconnected with his biological father while my husband was serving in a war zone. The young man did not choose to tell my husband about this decision. In fact, I was the one who discovered it quite by accident by looking at public records. When I found out about it, I was very upset. My reaction was initially a lot more extreme than my husband's was, mainly because to me it appeared that this boy, the only one of my husband's kids who still speaks to him, has just been using him for money. It occurred to me that it would have been much kinder if the young man had just disowned my husband like his sisters did.

Anyway, after making this discovery, we came up with a plan on how to deal with it. First, my husband called his son and asked him about his legal name. Although we knew that he had filed a petition to change his name, my husband didn't let on that he knew. Instead, he told the young man that he was planning to update some paperwork, which wasn't exactly a lie. He asked his son if his legal name was still the same as it always had been. And before he had a chance to catch himself, the boy said "For now."

Two weeks later, the boy wondered why he hadn't gotten his most recent child support payment (which he still collects at the ripe old age of 21). He sent my husband a concerned email. My husband called him and they had a chat about the pending name change. Of course, the boy was shocked that my husband knew about it. Obviously, he meant to keep it a secret.

To be honest, the name change is not really the issue. My husband realizes that the boy's name never should have been changed in the first place and he never should have been kept away from his biological father. We both think it's a good thing that he has reconnected with his real father. The issue is that the boy lied about his plans to change his name and, though he still calls his former stepfather "dad", didn't think enough of "dad" to tell him about this development. All the while, he was still accepting a generous amount of child support from a man who, in the eyes of the law, is nothing more than a friend to him now.

While I know my husband still loves this young man dearly and wants to see him succeed, my opinion of him has definitely dropped significantly. What he did was deceitful and cruel, whether he realizes it or not. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him or even feel neutral about him again. To be certain, I don't like him very much and am not inclined to help him anymore.

My husband's daughters, of course, are a different story. They haven't spoken to him in several years. One of them will be reaching the age of majority this year. She may or may not decide to be adopted by her current stepfather. She may or may not decide to reconnect with my husband. Of course, if she does, we will wonder if it's only because she wants him to keep paying child support. Sadly, my husband's daughters have been taught that they are entitled to money because their parents' marriage did not work out. It's as if they feel they should be paid reparations for the fact that they were born.

I can't help but wonder if any of these kids realize that the rest of the world is not going to care that they are children of divorce. I wonder if they will always behave as if they are victims and expect special treatment because of the way they were raised. I wonder if they will ever realize that relationships are a two way street.

As painful and unpleasant as all of this situation has been for us, I have started to realize some things that have oddly made me feel better. First off, as the kids become adults, their crappy behavior becomes their responsibility. They must be held accountable for the decisions they make. As the kids age, they become less significant to us. Even if they all change their names and refuse to have anything to do with their father, the reality is that the decision really affects them more than it does us. They can change their names, get adopted, get married, or whatever... Meanwhile, we take trips, save money to finally be able to afford a house, and enjoy our lives without drama.

One day in the future, one of those kids may decide she wants to reconcile with her "real dad". And we'll have to wonder why she wants to reconnect because she won't be someone that we know. We will handle her just like we'd handle any stranger... with caution and distrust. That's no way to carry on a parent/child relationship, but I guess that's what their loving mother had planned for them all along.

If I happen to survive my husband, perhaps I won't feel any need to provide financially for my husband's kids with his ex wife. In fact, I probably won't feel the need to invite them to the funeral or even tell them about his death. Why should I when they seem to think of him as either a wallet or a sperm donor? At the same time, they seem to think of me as some stupid bitch their former dad married.

My husband's ex wife used her kids as a way to get back at my husband for divorcing her. And yet, in the end, this self proclaimed "awesome mother" has hurt her children far more than she could have ever hurt her ex husband.