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When Everything is Always All About Them...
What is narcissism? Is it a bad thing?
First of all, I want to point out that a little narcissism isn't always a bad thing. Perfectly healthy people can also be narcissistic at times and, in fact, a level of narcissism can actually be useful. Narcissism can help a person get what they need in life and achieve success. A little narcissism is normal and healthy. A lot of narcissism is not.
Narcissism becomes destructive when a person becomes so self-centered and exploitative that it becomes detrimental to their lives and the lives of other people.
Narcissistic people are described as arrogant, immature, entitled, vain, egotistical, and selfish. They may exaggerate their accomplishments and have delusions of grandeur. They look for people to admire them and, once someone has fallen into their trap, will typically exploit them to get whatever they think they need. People can have narcissistic traits or they can have full blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Only a trained professional should actually diagnose someone with NPD, but you might be able to recognize the signs of someone who might have the disorder.
Acccording to the DSM IV, someone with NPD will exhibit at least five of the following characteristics:
1. A grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Is narcissism really excessive self love?
I've often heard it said that narcissism refers to a kind of malignant and excessive self love. Personally, I don't think that people who have NPD are really that much in love with themselves. Based on my experiences with narcissistic people and the reading I've done, narcissists actually suffer from low self-esteem and extreme insecurity. In fact, people who are narcissistic are often products of an abusive or neglectful home life. They may have developed their narcissistic traits as a means to cope with the pain they experienced as helpless children. On the other hand, narcissistic people may also come by narcissism naturally.
Many of the narcissists I've run across are very immature; it's as if they just stopped developing emotionally at some point in their adolescence. They act like children, demanding what they want when they want it. When they don't get their way, they throw fits. These tantrums are not pleasant for bystanders to see and they must not be very pleasant for the narcissist to experience. But for some reason, they're stuck in that immature mode of self-expression and I have no doubt that they suffer the consequences for it. They may act like they're superior to everyone else, but based on my experiences with narcissists, I have a hard time thinking that they actually believe that they are, in fact, superior.
What's it like to deal with a narcissist?
Narcissists are great actors who may appear to be completely normal and charming in public. But get a narcissist behind closed doors and you'll find them to be completely different, especially if you happen to be in a close relationship with one. Narcissists are very needy people. They need to be admired and loved, yet they are often not able to reciprocate... especially if reciprocating doesn't benefit them in some way.
Narcissistic people have no regard for anyone's feelings except their own, but they are very good at ingratiating themselves to other people. Once the target of their attentions takes the bait, they waste no time in exploiting them. And if their true motives are discovered, narcissistic people are completely unable to put themselves in the other person's shoes. Everything is about them and their feelings. Denying a narcissist's right to their feelings will always result in a fearsome rage or other destructive incidents of acting out.
Narcissists are excellent liars and they will lie about their loved ones to manipulate or gain sympathy from other people. In fact, narcissists are master manipulators who are very good at making everyone else look responsible for causing them problems. A narcissist may tell you that you shouldn't handle the finances in your relationship because you suck at math. Meanwhile, he or she may be doing some creative financial footwork behind your back that will later leave you in hot water. A narcissist may tell you that their former spouse was abusive and cruel. Meanwhile, he or she may be telling their friends and relatives the same thing about you.
Narcissists have lofty dreams of perfect love. They may tell you that you don't measure up as a person and will try very hard to get you to change into the person they want you to be. But no matter how much you change, it will never be good enough for them. This is true whether the narcissist in your life is your partner, your parent, or even your child. Their focus is on what you do, not who you are. Meanwhile, while you're busy trying to measure up, the narcissist is busy seeking love and admiration elsewhere.
I've read a lot of articles about narcissistic people that paint them as sinister, evil people. However, I don't believe that all narcissists are all necessarily evil to the core. Instead, I think that narcissists are often in a great deal of pain. The pain is so great that they are not aware of its source. Narcissists think that everybody else has a problem and everyone is the cause of their pain. It must be difficult and very frustrating for them to go through life running into so many "damaged" people. It never occurs to them that they might actually have a problem themselves.
Some excellent books I've found about NPD
I mentioned that I've done some reading about NPD. I recently found an outstanding book for daughters of narcissists called Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Written by Dr. Karyl McBride, this book offers a very insightful look into narcissism and it's especially helpful for daughters who have grown up with a narcissistic mother.
Another good book, especially for people who deal with narcissistic people in the workplace, is Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein.
An excellent book on spotting and dealing with a narcissist...
Just finished reading this book on NPD and found it incredibly insightful. It might be the best one I've found yet!